How Do You Forgive When The Wound Is Still Open?

Day 3 of 6 Day Devotional.

Day Three: Setting Boundaries (Don’t Throw the Ball Back)

My mom was a sun-up, sun-down, vodka drinking alcoholic, and I hated her for it and wanted nothing to do with her. But I also desperately wanted a mom. This push-pull in my heart, the hate and the longing, contributed to our unhealthy relationship rhythm. I wanted out and in at the same time. God called me to stay in, and not just to stay in, but to forgive her and love her. How was I going to do that?

Enter a bald man with a black leather jacket, an addiction counselor, that taught me a concept that changed the game for me—after all, my interaction with my mom was a game, I just didn’t know it.

“Don’t throw the ball back” the bald man said.

I scrunched my face at him. “Huh?”

“If I have a ball in my hand and I throw it to you, are you going to catch it?”

“Yea, I guess.” 

“Okay,” he said, “Well, you made that choice; you caught the ball. Now you have another choice to make: you can hold the ball, drop the ball, or throw the ball back.” 

On and on, back and forth, a seemingly never-ending game; our rhythm.

“If you don’t want to play the game anymore, stop throwing the ball back.”

It was right then and there that I learned about boundaries, what I would and would not tolerate when it came to my mother, and how this boundary setting might save our relationship…and my sanity.

I also discovered that the ultimate reason we set boundaries is so we can love others better.

As Christians, we are called to love, even when it hurts, but often we get stuck in unhealthy patterns with others that hinder our ability to really love; we know we should love, but how on earth do you do that when the person you’re supposed to love is toxic to you? One of the ways we love difficult people is to set boundaries.

In order to love my alcoholic mother, I needed to get out of our unhealthy rhythms so I could get my head straight. And once I was able to finally stand secure in Christ’s love, protection, and truth, I was able continue a relationship with her within rhythms that were much healthier. 

I did love her in the end, because God showed me how. And when she passed into the arms of Jesus, I was with her, praising God for the impossible restoration he had given us both. 

Key Application: Ask God who you might need to set a boundary with, and how to go about setting it in wisdom and love.

How Do you Forgive When the Wound is Still Open?

Day 2 of 6 Day Devotional.

Day Two: Discovering the Lies We’ve Been Believing (Core Lies)

I was a junior in college when I first learned about core lies.

The revelation of core lies began when a mentor named Cathy led me to her kitchen, offered me tea, and listened as I told her that I was an emotional mess, that I wanted things to change, but that I didn’t know what was wrong with me. And if you don’t know what’s wrong, how can you change? After listening, she pulled out a yellow notepad and began writing these words:

I am bad. 

I am shameful.

I am forgettable.

I am not in control. 

I am ugly. 

I am stupid.

I am wrong.

I am a failure.

I am defective.

I am lazy.

I am not good enough. 

She asked me if any of the phrases stood out to me or hit my heart. Several did, but two of them were most prominent: I am not in control and I am not good enough. She circled them. 

Next, she wrote: 

I must be good enough (perfectionist). 

I must be in control.

I must be fit.

I must be smart. 

I must be pretty.

I must be right.

I must be successful.

I must be wanted.

I must hide myself. 

She asked me to circle the ones that hit me. 

I must be good enough. I must be smart. 

It was there, in that small kitchen with Cathy that I learned these beliefs, these “core lies,” are what we believe deep down about ourselves, in our core. God has given us longings to be loved and to make an impact, but I learned that day that we live in a fallen world where we have hurtful and painful experiences. More than that, as we think about and make observations about those experiences, we then come up with conclusions that aren’t necessarily true. Much of this is subconscious, something we do as children that stays with us.

We come up with lies (our interpretations or conclusions) about the world, ourselves, God, and others based on these childhood observations. And then, unconsciously, we form these goals that become demands. For example, if I think I’m stupid because I grew up with a parent who treated me like I was, I likely make an unconscious goal that I must be smart (to be smart = loved), and if you catch me saying something stupid, well, that’s a landmine in my heart because it means that you’ve exposed me, and it hurts because if I’m not smart, I’m not good enough and not worthy of love.

If we demand that people view us the way our lies are dictating, we will become manipulative and self-protective, and it will show up in our emotions with anger, anxiety, and depression. 

But here’s the great news, and what I learned on that day in college: Jesus Christ paid with His life for all our past, present, and future sins, and we do not have to be whatever these lies are. Our worth and value is only dependent on how Christ sees us, and He sees us as righteous. He loves us. We are secure in Him.

Our deepest desire is to be loved and secure, and Christ meets that desire.

We don’t have to be good enough or smart enough or in-control or beautiful, or whatever the thing is that has you in invisible chains. How others view us does not determine our worth—only Jesus determines our worth. 

Key Application: When you get angry, anxious, or depressed, write down what preceded the emotion, and include any thoughts that swirled in your mind at that moment. Then look for a pattern and ask God if there is a core lie you are believing.

Quick Guide to the Emotions that Help Guide Us Toward Our Core Lies:

Anger = a blocked goal 

Anxiety = uncertain if we can accomplish our goal 

Depression = an unattainable goal (this is different from clinical depression)  

Heaven and Hell are real.

The saddest part is if you haven’t made a decision and you die you go to hell. There is no good deed you can do to get you to heaven. You can’t be a good enough person to enter into heaven. It is why Jesus paved a way for us. We can’t earn it or be good enough to go to heaven. We can be forgiven of our sins by believing and asking Jesus into our hearts and confessing we are a sinner.

1 John 1:8
“If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.”

Once you are gone time is up there is no I am sorry its too late. Now is the time to do decide not tomorrow as tomorrow is not guaranteed.

2 Corinthians 6:2
(For he saith, I have heard thee in a time accepted, and in the day of salvation have I succoured thee: behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.)

Accept to understand that nothing can get you into heaven except believing in Jesus and who He is and what He says is true.

Romans 3:23
For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

Romans 6:23
For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

God sent His son Jesus to the world to be born as one of us and to die on the cross for our sins to pave a way for us to enter into heaven those who believe.

John 3:16-17
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

You must confess that you are a sinner.

Romans 10:9
That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.

It is just that simple and nothing else is required. You don’t have to pay money, you don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to be anything other than who you are.

Spoke of heaven and how to get there. Now speak of hell and what is to come for those who don’t have eternal life through Jesus.

Mark 9:43-48
 And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched:
 Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.
And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched:
 Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.
 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire:
 Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.

Can you imagen a fire never quenched? A eternal fire never ceasing always burning. Its pure torment as you wouldn’t die but always be in a fire alive. Remember at the beginning I spoke of eternal life through Jesus for those who believed John 3:16.

Matthew 25:46
“And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.”

Revelation 20:15
“And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.”

Anyone not saved their name is not in the book of life and they are therefore cast into the lake of fire.

Revelation 21:8
“But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.”

There are two deaths which I will explain to help you understand. You have a spirit and that part of you which excepts the Lord as peesonal saviour that part of the spirit dies and a new spirit lives within you which the Holy Spirit.

2 Corinthians 5:17
 Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

Romans 6:6-23
 Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin.

 For he that is dead is freed from sin.
 Now if we be dead with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with him:
 Knowing that Christ being raised from the dead dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over him.
 For in that he died, he died unto sin once: but in that he liveth, he liveth unto God.
 Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord.
 Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof.
 Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God.
 For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace.
 What then? shall we sin, because we are not under the law, but under grace? God forbid.
 Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness?
 But God be thanked, that ye were the servants of sin, but ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you.
 Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness.
 I speak after the manner of men because of the infirmity of your flesh: for as ye have yielded your members servants to uncleanness and to iniquity unto iniquity; even so now yield your members servants to righteousness unto holiness.
 For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness.
 What fruit had ye then in those things whereof ye are now ashamed? for the end of those things is death.
 But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life.
 For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

So that is the spiritual death. Then you have the physical death which you die. Then Jesus will either welcome you into the Kingdom saying well done thy faithful servant or cast you out to lake of fire and say He never knew you and depart from you. I personally want to hear well done thy faithful servant and not be told He never knew me and cast into hell for eternity. Forever separated from God and no end to the torment of hell.

It is a fool who says there is no hell or heaven. He is a liar and the truth is not in him. I pray you will see the truth and come to know the Lord as your personal saviour.

How Do You Forgive When The Wound Is Still Open?

Day 1 of 6 day devotional.

Day One: A Lie Will Never Set Us Free (Facing our Pain)

I was in a counseling office not long ago, and the sign on the office wall quoted David Foster Wallace: “The truth will set you free, but not until it is finished with you.” The picture with the quote was of a worn-out woman having just gone through the wringer. I grinned. That seems just about right. 

If you’ve ever walked through any sort of hardship or pain or sin (yours or others), you know it’s exhausting and consuming, awful and ugly, confusing and gutting and, if we’ll have it, healing. If we surrender to the invitation to face our pain and uncover any destructive lies we’ve believed about ourselves, God, and others, and submit to the process, we will find that bits of our hearts are freer than they were, and places that we thought ruined are healing. This is what the truth does—it exposes any lie that has held us captive, tells us what’s really true, and then it sets us on a path of healing, setting us free as we go. 

What does this have to do with tangled up, messy relationships? The more we surrender to God’s invitation to face our pain, allowing Him to guide us through the process, all the way, the freer and more mature we become. As we grow up in Christ, we will trust Him more, and the more we trust Him, the more we believe that what He says about us is true: we are secure in Him, loved, cared for, and with us. When we believe what He says about us, as we replace lies with the truth, we will become better at loving other—even when it hurts, even when wounds are still open and people still function out of their wounds. 

So what exactly is this “truth” that will free us over time? Jesus is the truth, and as we read His words and attune our hearts to His ways, His leading, and His Spirit, we will be set free, over and over and over again as God tenderly works on our hearts, for His glory and our good.

Key Application: As pain rises to the surface, view it as an invitation, and ask God if there is something He wants to tell you about it.  Then pay attention.

What painful event, memory, sin, or wound have you avoided facing? Will you ask God now to help you begin facing it, confront the truth of it, and help you surrender to the healing path He would lead you down?